Wherever You Are Read online

  Somehow, I’m a chickenshit didn’t sound sexy or even appealing. But that’s exactly what she was. She was scared out of her mind. But scared of what? Scared of El? No, she could never be scared of him. He was everything that was right in her world. He was beautiful, passionate, intriguing, devoted, sensual...timeless.

  Desire pooled in her belly as his lips brushed down the side of her neck. “If I take you away, will you let me control where we go and what we do?”

  “Yes,” she breathed. But what was she agreeing to, exactly? Avery couldn’t think. Hell, she could barely breathe with him standing so close to her, being so near her. It was almost like he’d crawled inside of her, because all she could feel was him, in every part of her body.

  Shaking her head in an effort to clear her muddled brain, she took a step back. “We should probably talk, El.”

  “I think we’ve done enough talking, Avery.”

  “Oh.” Oh? What the...? She felt his body brush against hers and braced her hands on his chest. Anticipating his touch, his kiss—what, I don’t quite know—she clutched the fabric of his shirt in her hands. “But—” Avery sucked in a sharp breath when she felt his lips against her mouth.

  “You’ve asked me to take you away. And I have a few conditions.”

  Swallowing hard, she asked, “What?”

  “No work. At any time. I want you with me. All of you. That means, mind clear. No network, no scripts...just me and you.”

  Avery nodded before she thought better of it. Truth was, it was almost impossible to just be her and him. She’d stalled the network long enough. Jess had just informed her that they’d called ten times that day.

  “You don’t have to answer me right now,” he said, as if he could read her mind. “I know you would have to do a lot to make that happen. So I’m going to leave.” Her shoulders sagged in disappointment. “But I’ll be back soon.”

  Then his lips were on her...forehead? But damn it, it was the best forehead kiss she’d ever had. Almost as good as if he’d kissed her mouth. Almost.

  “I have to get back to the hospital,” he said. “We’ll talk soon.”

  She heard the soft click of the door. Avery scooted backward until she felt the edge of the bed against her legs. Then, she sat down.

  The quiet he’d left in the room was playing with her. Her mind wouldn’t stop spinning, going over every scenario of an extended trip alone with El. Could she really unplug to spend time with him? She didn’t know, but she was willing to try.

  Chapter 9

  El wanted to believe that he was in his right mind when he’d agreed to take Avery away for a few days. But everything pointed to the simple fact that he wasn’t.

  As a psychiatrist, he was trained to be impassive, to not react. Yet he’d done just the opposite when faced with Avery’s plea. No would have been the appropriate answer. Instead, he’d agreed with little hesitation.

  At this point, he knew they were inevitable. Something was going to happen between them, whether he wanted it to or not. Whether that “something” would make or break them was up in the air.

  But Drake had been right when he’d called Avery his woman. She’d always been his, from the moment he’d met her all those years ago. Denying that would be denying himself.

  When El had been old enough to realize that he had the ultimate control over how he lived his life, it had changed his worldview. It had also changed how he dealt with his brother, his professors, his colleagues. Essentially, he’d vowed to never let anyone take control of his life again.

  This realization had happened somewhere around the age of sixteen when he finally accepted the fact that his parents didn’t deserve undying love because they’d never given it. And Lawrence would never be the man El had built him up to be in his five-year-old mind. He’d been hurt by the people who were supposed to protect him, but he’d been determined to make the most of his situation.

  His parents weren’t physically abusive, but it had been hard being the child of two people who wished he wasn’t there. If Lawrence hadn’t taken him in, who knew where he’d be or what he’d be doing.

  Yet, Lawrence was a hard man to live with—even harder to please. He was demanding, manipulative and hypocritical. The expectations Lawrence had set for El and his children had proved to be almost impossible. El had rebelled, and he and Lawrence clashed often. Despite their differences, though, El knew that his brother had saved his life.

  Lawrence had given him a chance, the gift of a home. He had nephews and a niece who were more like the siblings he’d dreamed of. They were his bright spot growing up, the reason he was the man he was today. El had managed to make it, to survive. Then he’d met Avery.

  El had been somewhat surprised that it had been so easy to fall for her, to open his heart and his soul to her. After everything he’d gone through, he’d fallen hard. He’d let her into a space inside him that, up until then, had been unreachable.

  Avery had fed a part of him that was starving and malnourished, filled the void left by his parents and Lawrence.

  Those years with her had been the best of his life, and he wanted that back. As wary and hesitant as he was to put himself out there again, he couldn’t deny that just being near her again had made him feel more alive than he had in years. And he realized he needed to feel that love.

  El was no fool, though. It wouldn’t be easy to try with her again, because the trust was damaged, feelings were hurt. But he was willing to try and move forward with her.

  His phone’s ringtone pierced the quiet of his office and he peered down at his caller ID, smiling when he saw Avery’s number.

  “Hello,” he answered.

  “El?”

  “Yes, Avie.”

  “I’ve thought about what you said.”

  El sat straight up in his chair. He’d agreed to go with her, but she had to agree to his terms. Would she?

  “I’ll accept your terms,” she continued. “I won’t work on the show, but I have some things I’d like to accomplish over the next few days.”

  El thought about her request for a moment. “This trip is supposed to be about rest, Avie. You can’t do that if you’re working.”

  “My foundation,” she said. “I’d like to spend an hour each day working on it.”

  When they were together, Avery had always mentioned starting a nonprofit organization that would help young women of color interested in pursuing science at university. If he remembered correctly, the foundation would not only connect students with mentors already working in math and science fields, but also provide grants or scholarships to students wishing to pursue an education in math and science.

  “That’s fair,” he said. “I think it’s great that you want to work on the foundation. I definitely want to support that vision.”

  “You sound so surprised. I have been talking about doing this for years, El.”

  “True, but things aren’t actually playing out like you’d planned back then.”

  “Point taken.”

  There was silence on the other end, so long that El pulled the phone back from his ear to check and see if they were still connected.

  Then, finally... “El?”

  “Avie,” he countered.

  In that moment, he felt like she was trying to tell him something important. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he sensed that what she said next would be a game changer.

  “I’m sorry.”

  El closed his eyes, letting her apology wash over him. She wasn’t apologizing about anything that had happened since she’d been back in town. This was bigger and rendered him speechless.

  “You deserved better than what I gave you, and I’ll always regret my choices where our relationship was concerned.”

  “Why?” he asked before he could stop himself. It was the question that had dogged him for three year
s.

  “I want to have this conversation, El. I do. But not over the phone.”

  El understood that and wouldn’t push. “Okay.”

  “I wanted to apologize to you because it needed to be said. As cliché and overdramatic as it is, I need you to know that it wasn’t you. It was never you.”

  Avery was right. It was a cliché and the type of thing people said in prime-time dramas or soap operas. It was the kind of explanation that would have sent him into a rage back when the breakup happened. But today it was exactly what he needed to hear.

  * * *

  Avery burrowed back into the passenger seat of El’s car as he sped to their destination. Although it had been a few days since he’d last visited, they’d talked daily on the phone. The first call had been from her, when she’d let him know that she agreed to his conditions. The next call had been from him, when he’d told her how to pack and prepare for the trip.

  When she’d inquired about where they were going, he’d refused to answer her. That night they’d talked on the phone for over an hour.

  It had been years since they’d chatted that way, and it reminded her of when they were first getting to know each other. After they’d met at the Michigan Union Subway, they’d exchanged numbers and had spent hours on the phone chatting about everything from music to science to movies to food.

  Avery had only ever been on one date before El. It was her high school prom. Avery had attended Ann Arbor Huron High School. Huron was one of two public high schools in the area at the time, and one of the best in the state. Shaped like an “H,” the school had a wealth of extracurricular activities, clubs, sports and other offerings for their students.

  Avery hadn’t been a shy teenager, but she wasn’t as outgoing as Jess. Jess had been a varsity cheerleader, and ran track. Avery wrote for the school newspaper, The Emery. She had also been on the debate team and played flute in the marching and symphonic bands. Some would say she was a nerd, but Avery didn’t care. Her activities had kept her busy and her academics were stellar. She’d won several math and science contests that allowed her to meet professors on the University of Michigan staff, which in turn worked in her favor when it came time to apply.

  It was one of those teachers, Mrs. Morey, who had convinced her to accept an invitation to prom from a boy in the band. Needless to say, it had been the blind leading the blind. No pun intended. Neither Avery or Matthew had known the first thing about dating and so the prom was a huge dud for her. None of the other boys at school had ever paid her any attention, so she was helplessly inexperienced when she began college.

  Sure, she’d met many men on campus, but it was only El who held her attention. They met during her second year, but as far as she was concerned, she didn’t need to meet anyone else. He was it for her.

  El had been her first kiss, and the first and only man she’d made love to. Feeling a blush creep up her neck, she turned toward the open window. She smelled water outside.

  “Are we near Lake Michigan?” she asked.

  Avery knew El owned a home near Traverse City. It was one of the things his parents had left him in their will. El had never talked about his parents much. But she did know that he had no relationship with them when they died, many years ago, mere months apart.

  “You’re so nosy.” He laughed softly.

  “I’m not telling you where to go. I’m just curious.”

  “To answer your question, yes.”

  Smiling to herself, she turned her face toward the window again, imagining the winding roads and the massive lake. Of all five Great Lakes of North America, Lake Michigan was the only one located entirely within the United States and not shared with Canada. The shoreline stretched from Michigan to Indiana to Illinois to Wisconsin. Avery had visited all of the Great Lakes during her lifetime, but Lake Michigan was her favorite. There was something about the shoreline that called to her. She’d often drive there with her parents for day trips. Those were happy times for her, so she always remembered them fondly.

  They’d been in the car for a few hours, so she was getting antsy. She wanted to walk, to take in the pure Michigan air. The western side of the state was different than the Detroit metropolitan area, in her opinion. Time seemed to slow when she was away from the city, and she needed that right now. El had always known what she needed.

  Avery wondered if they were finally going to have a serious conversation, one about everything that would hurt but would also cleanse. She was finally ready to tell him the truth about why she’d left.

  Drawing in a deep breath, she said, “What have you been doing with your life, El? We’ve seen each other, spent time together. But we haven’t really talked about you.”

  El had never been the type to talk about himself. Avery loved that he was so giving, so willing to shine the spotlight on others, but he’d always been fascinating to her. She wanted to know what he’d been up to.

  “It’s kind of hard to do that when you’re in the middle of a medical crisis,” he confessed. “The focus should be on you right now.”

  “I guess. But why don’t we start thinking that I’m on the mend from a medical crisis?”

  “I’m glad you said that. I wondered when you would get there.”

  Avery smiled. “Were you testing me or something?”

  “No, but I know you. I knew you wouldn’t stay in that depressed state forever. I will admit you had me worried at the hospital.”

  “Was it the temper tantrums?” Avery wasn’t proud of it, but she’d had a meltdown or two in the hospital.

  “Not really. It was your look. The despair in your face. Your behavior.”

  Avery would admit that she was a little hard to deal with. But when faced with the very real possibility of having to learn life again without sight, she’d buckled under the pressure. Now she was ready to pick herself up and do what needed to be done. It helped that she’d been able to do some work, even without her sight.

  “I can say that the thought of never seeing my family’s faces again still scares me,” she admitted softly. “But I’m not dead. I’m still alive, so I still have a chance to get it right, whether I can see or not. I was so distraught, I thought my life was over. The other day, though, I was able to dictate notes on my script and even create a new scene. It wasn’t ideal, but it gave me hope that I can do this.”

  Avery couldn’t help but smile at the memory of her and Jess dancing when she’d finished a steamy love scene. She couldn’t type it, or even see her words staring back at her on the computer screen. But it was her brain that had created it, her mind that had dreamed up the scenario.

  “I love when you do that.”

  Surprised that he’d mentioned love when talking about anything she did, Avery asked, “Do what?”

  “Be the woman I know you are,” he replied. “Now that I’m hearing you say that, I’m not sure you need me anymore.”

  If Avery could see El, she’d look him in the eye so he could see just how untrue his statement was. She needed him, alright. More than she was ready to tell him at that point. “El, you know I appreciate everything you’ve done. You didn’t have to take time off work and uproot your life to take me away.”

  El was a busy physician. They’d never talked about what he had to do to get the time off. He’d simply texted to tell her everything was set.

  “I didn’t uproot my life, Avie. I had time off scheduled in the next few weeks. I just moved it up. A colleague of mine agreed to take over my schedule and my secretary was able to move some things around. We’re all good. No work talk, remember?”

  Avery did remember. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about work. Jess had sent off the script in her name after they’d worked late getting it done. She’d yet to hear from her boss, but that was okay. She didn’t want to hear anything that could possibly ruin this time, this adventure with El.


  “Okay, no work talk. Are you dating anyone?” She heard El choke and giggled.

  “Seriously, Avie? You just came right out with it, huh?”

  “Well, you said no work talk. It’s not like we hang in the same circles anymore. I don’t know much about your life.”

  “Do you really think I’d be dating someone and whisking you away for uninterrupted time? Not to mention, I did kiss you.”

  The kiss. He’d actually mentioned the soul-searing kiss that had left her senses open and her heart beating wildly. “You did do that,” she breathed. “But dating someone, or a few someones, does not equate to a committed relationship.”

  “True,” he conceded. “To answer your question, though, I’ve dated here and there. But no one serious. You?”

  “No. I don’t have time for dates. I work, sleep, work, eat, work.”

  “Well, hopefully, you’ve learned your lesson about that.”

  “I think so. My main goal right now is the foundation.”

  “I told you before, I love the idea. Is there a target geographic area?”

  “Hell, yeah. Here, my old neighborhood, Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti. Home.” For now, she wanted to focus on Southeastern Michigan. The plans weren’t mere blueprints any longer. She’d actually made progress on her dream. She wanted to offer the first set of grants by the end of the summer, right before classes started for incoming freshmen. “With the work Jess is doing for the university, she’s the perfect person to help me. I’ve actually considered offering her a permanent job, not that I think she’ll take it. She loves her current job.”

  “Jess is already pretty busy.”

  Avery thought of her bestie and the devotion Jess had to her career. “I know, but she has that fire I need, El. This project means something to her, too. You should have seen the way her face lit up. I think she’d run with it. Besides, she’s the only one I’d trust to run it.”

  “I will admit she’d be good at it,” he said. “Setting up a foundation is a lot of work. You have to be sure you carve out the time to do it.”